Firstly, 3 waters is not a new brand of gin, a collection of rivers, or a romantically secluded, exclusive golf course for the rich and infamous. Nor is it a re-emerging 1970s folks singer, freshly awakened from a substance-induced coma-like Ozzy Ozborne. Wait; is he actually awake? No, fellow citizens of the Kiwizone sector, planet earth, turn left, take 4 steps backwards and do the hoki-toki. 3 Waters refers to the three main types of water infrastructure that our duly elected Regional, District and City Councils provide and administer on behalf of their taxpaying constituents: storm water, drinking water and wastewater. Stormwater-Tapwater-Wastewater...... where was I going with that? Ah yes, down the gurgler.

Anyway: (focus dammit!) The Government (that's the folks in the big house. No, no,.. the really big house,... The ROUND house.......Yep, that's it) They reckon that they need to take control of all the water assets of all the councils, cos they say that they've been stuffing it up and now can't afford to fix it all (the water assets) and wont be able to afford to future-proof it either (to cope with expected growth).

Now, on the face of it, they may even be right,..... or left - and there's a poser. But that isn't the real problem with 3 waters. I'll come to that in a minute (but if you're too impatient, click here to go straight to the end of the internet where you can twiddle your thumbs while the rest of us read on.)

SOoooo,.. The Minister for Water Retention said, "The water assets are buggered and the councils can't afford to upgrade and maintain them, so the only solution is that the Government takes them over, and fixes and maintains them, through a couple of boards (4 to be exact) rather than the 78 councils, boards and unitary authorities that are doing the mahi at the moment. We'll even give Maori 50% governance over those 4 boards."

The Minister said unto the councils, "I'd like you to have a think about this. Chat amongst yourselves. Come back to me once you've come up with a decision.

Some councils quite rightfully said, "No thanks!" Because some, like the Christchurch City Council for example had just spent their lunch money, the mayoral monday night takeaways fund, sold the chains and mortgaged the bejingoes out of the red zone, the green zone and possibly even TimeZone to pay for renewing all of their 3 waters assets and pipework, which was a pretty big deal after the big shakeup(s) that they'd had.

Other councils said, "Hmmmm! .... Lets go and ask our ratepayers what they think." But the Minister then said, "Nope. Thats a silly idea. We dont have time for actual 'consultation' for goodness sake. Get back to me asap. Like PDQ. Chop chop, shake a leg. ..... Short nap...... Actually, wait! STOP! I need an answer in a couple of weeks."

So some councils said: "Bugger. That's not fair. Thats not right. Thats not consultation." The Minister in the meantime had some of her little retainers slip a few Xmas turkeys, a couple of Post-Lockdown holidays to Rarotonga (and possibly a few vague promises of eternal life and a good pension) to the good folks at Local Government NZ - a lobby group that is supposed to represent those asset-laden councils drowning in their own leaky, sub-standard water systems.

LGNZ, without swallowing a drop of 3 Waters, or anything else, came out and said, "3 Waters reform? What a stunning idea. Wish we'd thought of that. We wholeheartedly support it" This did not impress several of the Councils and they threw their toys, right out of the cot and down the stairs, out onto the driveway and down the stormwater drains to the sea.

In the meantime, the Minister (who had grown horns by this stage ) had enough pussy footing around (just stop and picture that for a moment if you will- its worth it.) said: "Paul. That's it. Tell those bloody councils that the time is up. We are taking the assets and were going to run them ourselves. Do you know any plumbers Paul? Paul....? "

So. The Government started with: "We think that we all should......." And finished with, "We are goin to..." They tried to spin it that the water in NZ was killing people, that there were no swimming holes left in the entire country and that kids were getting sick all over the place with green slime in all the water.

Alt right nutters burst onto the scene like breathless little pupated MAGA's bristling with indignation, concentration and racistilsation. "Why're they giving control of the water to the bloody Marries?" they cried. (excuse me Richard Cranium, I know it's not spelled like that- this is my story ok?)

They're stealing our flipping water. Bloody Jacinda! They're gunna make us register our bloody water tanks so they can take our water and tax us on how much we catch. It's their bloody fault that it's raining in the first place.

The farmers, usually a much more pragmatic bunch, although potentially diverse in thought-depending on the nature of the enterprise, responded with a range of views from Fed Farmers opposing 3 waters, to Barry Broughton from Bengal Bay wanting to know; "Oh yes,..... but where are they getting these 3 bloody waters from, eh? We've only got one here at our place...?. I can sell you a blooming good aluminium foil hat though".

Actually the public discourse got a whole lot worse than that. The rabid, insane, irrational feedback was volcanic, in its fury, depth, and from the wide range of sources, some most unexpected. But therein lies some of the problem to what has become an emotive topic of conversation. The process. The government lied. They spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on PR campaigns and lies. Then they denied they lied. "They denied they lied and then doubled down on getting 3 waters done. I feel that there is a Zuessism in there somewhere. I know not where, but it is there, but do I really even care?

Why would the government do all of this, knowing that it will upset a lot of potential voters?

Well; according to the DIA website:

This reform is needed to ensure all New Zealanders can enjoy safe, affordable and sustainable drinking water, wastewater and stormwater services – now and in the future.

The signs of a system at breaking point are all around us: regular or permanent boil-water notices,  broken pipes, outdated sewage plants, environmental harm, and poor resilience to climate change. Addressing these issues is essential for the health and well-being of our communities and our environment.

We cannot risk potential repeats of the Havelock North campylobacter outbreak that made more than 5,000 residents sick and is thought to have killed four people from drinking public water supplies. An estimated 34,000 New Zealanders get sick from drinking water annually.

Well, that really sounds like our waterworks are pakaru-ed.

But this steal isnt about the government stealing our 3 waters off us. They're not taking 3 waters. They're really only taking 1. They are taking the piss and thats only 1 water.

They are about to steal $35Billion of assets. That is the crime of the century.